President-for-Life Sheelzebub announces new competition for ministry titles
Thank you for coming, everyone.
As you know, it's been over one year since I started this little slice of internet hell that promotes mindless consumerism, graft, and buying lots of plastic crap in big box stores. I have had a blast.
I want to show my loyal followers and my loyal haters my appreciation (for what would a President-for-Life be without dissident groups to draw more attention to her?). I'm going to stick with tradition--I need bribes.
Everyone in the blogosphere wants awards. Big deal. Who cares about an award and a banner you can put in your sidebar? I've got something better--power!
Look, I'm the President-for-Life, baby! I can award ministries. Ministries are great jobs to have in a dictatorship. They're pretty much no-show--although you do get a snazzy office with a nice cherry desk and an intern. You have a ready-made excuse if you want to get out of going to your Uncle Milt's tenth wedding--just tell them that you have Important Government Business to attend to. You can't draw a large salary (you don't actually draw a salary at all), but that's what bribes and graft are for. Not to mention taxes. Lots of taxes.
I've got a Minister of Information, and she does quite well for herself. She taxes email, comments, and the patience of those namby-pamby ethics panel members. My Minister of Discipline charges people for the punishment she metes out. Hey, it's hard work to discipline people!
So--if you want a ministry position, all you need to do is the following:
Link back to this post on your blog.
Post here and tell me what ministry title you'd like and why. I'm not afraid of pulling titles out of thin air.
Now, I'll open the floor to questions.
Yes, your infernal majesty, um, don't you want money for these positions?
I get a kickback from the Minister of Information, who collects taxes on blogposts and comments.
Aren't you shamelessly link-whoring?
Yes. Aren't you stating the obvious?
Madame Presidente, the economy is in tatters, the Treasury has been raided, and rumors are swirling about that we are about to start a war with Texas. What benefits will you bring to the people?
Guard! Shoot this uncivil reporter!
Alright. So, um, just link to me, and post a comment about what title you want and why.
And of course, I'll post an announcement by Monday of next week, with links to the blogs of my newly named ministers.
Oh honorable Sheelzebub,
I declare myself as an official candidate for Minister of Arts and Crafts. However, if you decide to institute a Ministry of Lesbian Drama, I would be a great candidate. But I feverishly request that my secretary look like Shane from The L Word.
Posted by: FemiKnit Mafia | February 28, 2005 at 11:53 AM
Hello! You have been on my blogroll for some time. Can I be Minister for Evolution?
*Goes off to link back*
Posted by: The Birdwoman | February 26, 2005 at 10:35 AM
ooooh, wait .... may I be Minister of Surreality? It will be my responsiblity to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
Posted by: brainwise | February 25, 2005 at 05:40 PM
I humbly submit my name for consideration as Minister of Illustrated Literature (I just love comics and graphic novels, particularly things like Hellblazer, The Books of Magic, The Barefoot Serpent, and Blankets, among others.
If that position is already filled, how about Minister of the Mundane? Nothing too specific because it's ... you know ... mundane.
Posted by: brainwise | February 25, 2005 at 05:31 PM
I want to be Minister of Religious Education. There's way too much fuzzy bunny crap floating around that I will take it upon myself to eliminate. I DO get so tired of it...
Posted by: CC | February 25, 2005 at 05:45 AM
Hello there, I just found you (from Australia). I would like to be the Minister for Distant Suckholes. We are a long way away, but our government is going about making us a vassal of your government's empire. The guy who should have been the Prime Minister referred to the government's reaction to the US as "a conga line of suckholes".
These are important relationships that require maintenace. You know, fireside chats occasionally and mutual poncho wearing at ASEAN events, etc.
Posted by: Zoe | February 24, 2005 at 09:23 PM
You've been linked! I'd love to be Minister of Ephemera.
http://ravenmn.blogspot.com/2005/02/another-test_24.html#comments
Posted by: Ravenmn | February 24, 2005 at 06:17 PM
You've been linked! I'd love to be Minister of Ephemera.
http://ravenmn.blogspot.com/2005/02/another-test_24.html#comments
Posted by: Ravenmn | February 24, 2005 at 06:17 PM
Dear President-for-Life Sheelzebub,
I would like to be considered for the position of Minister of Sport. My goal is to make all female roller derby more popular than NASCAR.
Posted by: cuddlefish | February 24, 2005 at 12:29 PM
The CultureGhost would be honored if we were to become Ambassador to The Situationist International.
Posted by: The CultureGhost | February 24, 2005 at 12:12 PM
Dear President-for-Life,
I offer my skills, talents, passion, and spare room as the Minister for Choosing. All things will have more things around them for the optimisation of choice. In anticipation of my successful application I have written a bumper sticker "Choosing is easy when you have choices"
Please consider me for this prestigious position. It may take me a little longer to get to my filing, but I do have fun foraging and fondling along the way.
Sincerely,
Suki Lombard
Posted by: suki lombard | February 24, 2005 at 06:00 AM
Dear President-for-Life Sheelzebub, if it suits your whims, could I be Ministress of Polemical Farce, Political Art, and Poetical Arse? I humbly submit that they go hand-in-hand. Just call on the MoPFPAaPA for all your President-for-Life information confabulation needs.
Posted by: arse poetica | February 24, 2005 at 12:26 AM
I hereby offer my name for consideration for the post of Minister of Mainstream Media. It is, after all, what I do. As best I can. Don't blame me for all of the bull ... please .... I'll do better ... I'll work harder ... http://newswriter.blogspot.com/2005/02/minister-of-mainstream-media.html
Posted by: newswriter | February 24, 2005 at 12:18 AM
Can I be Minister of Matriarchy - restoring the natural order of female dominance in the blogosphere and everywhere else?
Posted by: Morgaine Swann | February 24, 2005 at 12:05 AM
Ma'am,
I'd take real kindly to it if you could see fit to name me Minister of Redneck Erudition. There are 10 or a dozen of us Red Staters who took to book larnin' real serious like and went and got educated way up above our raisin'. We're mostly red when it comes to eatin' the animals the Lord provided in his bounty, and well, most of us are Second Amendment'ers and Babtists, and we don't take kindly to folks a-runnin' down the country just 'cause they happen to want to put the Whup-Ass(r) on the ones who happen to be in charge. But, like Jesus hisself, we're mostly blue when it comes to dealin' with the two-legged varieties of the Creation here at home, and when it comes to decidin' on who is on the receivin' end of the gubment's power and largesse. I wouldn't mind bein' the one to help get 'em all herded up. Much obliged.
--ER
Posted by: Erudite Redneck | February 23, 2005 at 10:24 PM
I humbly seek to head the Ministry of Second-Wave Outrage and Pro Tennis Hoodoo. Should these categories need to be made into separate ministries, I humbly seek both of them.
Posted by: Diane | February 23, 2005 at 08:15 PM
Consider yourself linked, and consider me your brand new Minister of Fear and Whiskey.
The Ministry is sort of like a more existential Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
yours,
Alex, Minister-in-Waiting
Posted by: Alex | February 23, 2005 at 07:02 PM
Dear One, I'd love to be Minister of Parroting -- Ending the abusive use of "parroting the talking bobble-heads." My parrots, and many parrots I know, are far too intelligent to utter the lies of the repugnuts.
You are duly linked to, as well as in the blogroll.
Posted by: CE Petro | February 23, 2005 at 06:29 PM
alright, you're on. Consider youself linked, you rascally tyrant!
I'll have Minister for the Colonies if you please. I'm currently establishing an outpost of your glorious empire in the antipodes and will shortly courier over some sample "loyal subjects" for your approval.
ta very much.
Posted by: sjusju | February 23, 2005 at 04:58 PM
Hi!
I think that's my first post on your highly esteemed blog, even though I've been lurking here forever (well, not as forever as a year ago, but forever-ish enough)
I finally decided to come out of the shadows, and humbly request a position of a Shadow Minister of Lurkage, since that seemed appropriate, and I am already performing the duties of the position. I sincerely hope that Your Shineness would consider my humble proposal. pweese?
http://www.livejournal.com/users/elfinity/11913.html
Posted by: Elfy | February 23, 2005 at 04:28 PM
Can I be Minister of Ministers?
There's a few I'd LOVE to have some power over.
Posted by: andante | February 23, 2005 at 04:23 PM
i wanna be the minister of snack foods because what kind of civilization is it without snack foods? besides the fact that meetings of any kind are almost unbearable without snacks. and booze.
can i be the minister of snack foods and booze? cheetos and boxed wine anyone? tee hee. (that was my dainty giggle.)
xoxo, jared
Posted by: ms. jared | February 23, 2005 at 02:18 PM
Oh Magnificent One:
May I request the position of Minister of Science, for my work in debunking Intelligent Design in my spare time? If not, would you consider my application for Minister of Deep Fried Crunchy Goodness, for eponymous reasons? May your reign know no end.
Posted by: corndog | February 23, 2005 at 01:33 PM
What's a self-respecting budding empire without it's czars? I would like to be Bitch Czarina.
Posted by: media girl | February 23, 2005 at 01:25 PM
Minister for Ecumenical Dialogue, Rodent Protection, and Endurance Athletics. Please.
Posted by: Hugo | February 23, 2005 at 12:31 PM