No boundaries allowed

I am not a smiler.

Ask Roxanne (yes, I had to find a way to link that in here); I'm not even a polite blogger. I am not a smiler, a grinner, a social butterfly, a say hello to strangers kind of gal, or a I'll talk to anyone sort. When some random guy came up from behind, grabbed me by the shoulders, and said in my ear: "Smiiiilllle!" I made it clear just how nasty I could be.

So when a discussion on Hugo Schwyzer's blog turned to the "you should smile!" command that a lot of ignorant and entitled men issue to random women, it struck a cord with me.

I smile at my friends. I smile at my family. I smile when I hear good news, or a funny joke. I smile in thanks when someone stops their car to let me cross the street. I smile at cashiers, food servers, train conductors, and other people I interact with when I thank them.

I do not smile at random strangers. When I am issued the command to do so, I am more likely to scowl than smile. And that's if I'm feeling charitable.

I am not a trained puppy dog. I do not smile on command. Ordering me to smile is not going to make me feel better. In fact, I'm probably in a good mood, and moronic clod who issued the command made me self-concious (well, not anymore. That was when I was in my twenties and cared what people thought). At the very least, it's annoying. I just don't grin like an idiot on my way to the ladies room, or show my teeth in a big Stepford smile when I wait in line for my coffee. I don't smile when I'm lost in thought, reading, or on my way somewhere. It's just not done where I live--we are notorious for being reserved. It takes awhile to crack the nut. If you smile at random folks, most people think you're crazy (except for the entitled monkey-brained boors who think we must smile at them on command).

And if I am in a bad mood, how, exactly, is the smile command supposed to make me feel better? If I'm waiting for biopsy results, reeling from the news that a family member is in the hospital, or trying to shake of the sadness from a wake I attended the day before, who are these simpering jackasses to tell me that I should smile? Yeah, I could tell them why I'm not smiling, but that's hardly the point. It's none of their business.

Some women in Hugo's discussion, and the ensuing discussions in Mouse Words (here and here) and Alas, A Blog (here, and here) also cited safety concerns. You just don't smile at strangers, or talk to them. Astarte disagrees, thinking that its so much conjecture and needless fear.

What is surprising is that so many people in these discussions don't get just how entitled one must be in to order a perfect stranger to smile at them. At the very least, it's rude, boorish, and rather obnoxious. It says a lot that a random man feels he has the right to try and dictate how a woman arranges her facial features. It says a lot that it's considered no big deal for a woman to be expected to change her expression for a stranger's comfort.

Do you command random people to sing for you? Dance for you? Tell you a joke? Why is it okay to order a woman to smile? And why is it so terrible for her to resent this?

It's absolutely shocking when it happens to men. They can't concieve of it.

A commenter in one of the Alas discussions said this:

Last year in college I took a polisci class on feminism, and one of our assignments one weekend, after having read a piece by [Miss Manners], was to go out and basically do something that you wouldn't expect someone of your gender to do. Most girls did things like open the door for their boyfriends or pay for dinner, but I went out and told random men on the street to smile. I'm Southern and a manners stickler, but let me tell you that I never had so much fun being balls-out rude in my LIFE. You'd think I had actually said something like "Did you know your penis is very, very small?" They were just appalled. I wouldn't ever ADVISE doing the same thing, of course...but if you should ever happen to try it, in the interest of SCHOLARSHIP, you know...

This attitude of entitlement spills over into other areas. In the same thread, Lucia gives a rather illuminating example of entitlement when she expands on how some people don't think women have a right to boundaries:

Honestly, I believe there are some who don't. Or, some think you may have a right to not be murdered or raped, but you don't have a right to "trivial" things, like, oh, deciding how to spend your time particularly if your choice is to turn down an invitation to spend your time with them.

I still remember sitting at a table in the dorm cafeteria, and a guy asked me to play pool that night. I said no. Repeat 4 more times.

I finally turned to the other guys and said: Have I turned him down 5 times now? (Ok... kind of rude. But, I couldn't think of decent alternatives.) And the guy asking me on the date actually said: "Well, why should she turn me down. I'm a nice guy".

Well, that's the thing. She apparently had no right to turn him down because in his opinion, he was nice, and therefore she had no choice in the matter. And most women who've encountered this have also encountered far more hostile reactions to turning someone down, not smiling, or not talking to someone who won't take no for an answer. I was out with a drink with a couple of friends in college once. A middle-aged alumnus who decided that I wasn't properly enthusiastic about his attentions thought the best way to charm me was to corner me in the booth, get in my face, and curse at me. You know I was just ready to marry him and bear him tribes of children (and abandon him with my genetic legacy). On the train ride home from work, I got a wagging finger in my face and yelled at for being a cold bitch because I wasn't foaming at the mouth to talk to the random man who sat next to me and repeatedly asked me out. Didn't matter that I was tired. Didn't matter that I made my lack of interest clear. Didn't matter that I kept my nose stuck in my newspaper. Didn't matter that I said no. Nope. The problem was with me, not with a man who didn't think I had any right to boundaries, personal space, or the option to say no.

You don't have the right to walk down the street and not be bothered. You don't have the right to refuse a date, because I'm a nice guy. And if you aren't friendly enough, I might yell at you, threaten you, or even get physical. And it's all your fault, you stuck up bitch. And if you complain, you're being a paranoid man-hater. Let's forget that nice guys accept no for an answer, and nice guys don't tell random women to smile.

Women are not obligated to date you, smile at you, or talk to you. Only creeps believe otherwise.

Comments

[Megan]

Thank you, thank you! I don't know how many times I have been walking along, minding my own business, lost in my own thoughts, and had some guy jump in my face and say "Smile!". Why?

Quite frankly, most of the time I don't even notice other people on the street unless I have a reason to interact with them (and then I do smile and am always polite). I would feel like a complete idiot walking around with a dumb-ass smile on my face all the time just to please someone I don't know and could care less about.

[mythago]

NelC, primates poop on the ground wherever they are, too, but I don't think many people would suggest we should do that because it's "hard-wired" into us. And polite behavior wasn't handed down by evolution, either; it, like the choice to command random strangers to smile, is social, not biological. (I also tend not to think that those guys yelling "Smile!" are lonely, attention-starved people who cannot get any human contact in any other way.)

[NelC]

Marina Voz, touching pregnant bellies is common in chimps, gorillas, and monkeys, so it's probably wired into our behaviour as well. It's just an expression of well-wishing, I think. It's a primate thing.

Although, with an ape or monkey, the well-wisher and the recipient aren't going to be strangers. On the other hand, maybe this and the "Smile!" thing can be taken as indications of how asocial the modern city can make people, that in order to make some vital human contact they will throw themselves across the boundaries of what is polite.

[mythago]

I simply said that shaking your finger at other women and pointing out how scary the real world is and that she shouldn't ever smile at those evil men is painful to feminism.

Of course, nobody ever said such a thing, but it's so much more fun to prattle righteously at a strawman, isn't it?

I rather recall the conversation being one of cluelessness: Gosh, I never get any nastiness, so what's your problem, they're just being friendly...

[amazonfemme]

See, this is why you're one of my heroes. All a command to smile is likely to get out of me is a glare and a Dick Cheney-esque directive as to what the offending stranger can go do to himself. It's no less than what that kind of cloddish and self-centered behavior warrants.

Great post - linking it to my blog, too.

[carla]

The two most recent comments are on the mark, in a way I hadn't even thought about, even though I've been fighting "Smile, honey!" commands for 30 years or more. That is, if some person smiles in a friendly way, chances are I might smile back; it's a simple, wordless "hello," in these situations, and no harm no foul. It's also an equal exchange--that person is offering a greeting, not a command, and that's the difference.

[Sheelzebub]

If he really wanted me to smile he should have done something smile inspiring, like done a little jig in the middle of the street or something. I don't know about you, but a happy rendition of "I'm A Little Teapot" always floats my boat. :)

That would make me smile. Heck, I'd bust a gut laughing and admire his guts.

[Kestrel]

Very well said, I'm in complete agreement with you. A few months ago I was on my way to work after a very rotten morning, and some random guy actually stopped his car and yelled to me: "Smile why don't ya?!!" I realize he was trying to be friendly in his own self-entitled way, but all his audacity inspired was an inner "F*ck you." If he really wanted me to smile he should have done something smile inspiring, like done a little jig in the middle of the street or something. I don't know about you, but a happy rendition of "I'm A Little Teapot" always floats my boat. :)

[Sheelzebub]

Here's the thing--the smile command didn't work when you were younger, did it? I doubt very much that not smiling means one is self-absorbed (or that being absorbed in one's own thoughts, a book, a view, or anything else is really such a bad thing). The smile command inspires the target to, well, scowl.

Sure, I know bubbly people who I love to be around--but they are genuine. I also know of reserved people whom I treasure. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone how they should act for my comfort.

[cassandra]

That used to happen to me all the time when I was young, especially as I worked in nightclubs and bars. My mother caught it too and I inherited her frowny-looking face and attitude. And I used to get just as hacked off about it as you but I have been reconsidering it in my old age. Sure, they don't have a "right" to command a smile, but should this be framed as a rights issue? I think the "command" was social ineptness, an attempt to bridge the social divide by any cliche means at hand. There are some smiley bubbly people I love; I work for one. How can you not instinctively like someone who is smiling at you, or at the world? Looking back, it would not have been such a bad idea after all to come out of my self-absorbed shell and grin at the world.

[Juana Moore-Overmyer]

The idea that we are somehow required to be socially friendly with every man reminds of a quote that's stuck with me since the 80's. Deborah Iyall, from Romeo Void, was being interviewed by some rude person. A question was put forward about her size and her sexuality, and she said she didn't exist for the interviewer, or anyone else's sexual gratification. In general, men have no idea what it feels like to constantly be judged attractve/not so and then have to respond to such judgements. If you make the cut, you must be grateful and friendly, if not, you must act suitably ashamed.

[Sheelzebub]

I simply said that shaking your finger at other women and pointing out how scary the real world is and that she shouldn't ever smile at those evil men is painful to feminism.

But no one said that a woman shouldn't smile at men (and no one called men in general evil). They explained why they didn't. There was quite a lot of finger-shaking done to the women who talked about why they didn't smile at strangers.

I don't think the conversation EVER was 'is it rude for someone to command you to smile'? That's actually pretty obvious, and I didn't see anyone in the entire conversation state that people should smile whether they like it or not.

That wasn't my impression. An awful lot of folks who rolled their eyes at the experiences of women who didn't smile didn't seem to understand why such rudeness indicated entitlement. As I pointed out in my post, and as others have pointed out numerous times in the different conversations, this doesn't happen nearly as much to men. The entitlement this demonstrates is pretty chilling, and yes, pretty sexist, for all of the reasons I outlined in my post.

[Ide Cyan]

Jean Rhys's autobiography is entitled _Smile, Please_. The phenomenon is old and worn, and I seem to recall Joanna Russ mentionning (in _What Are We Fighting For?_) the feminist "smile boycotts" that took place in the 70s.

One example of harassment that happened to me that I clearly recall occurred in the subway, when a man sat next to me and proceeded to insult me on my weight, call me names, and then demand that *I* switch seats when some freed up across the aisle, although I'd been there before him. I'd begun to insult him right back in the same low tone he used, but to no avail. What did work was when, feeling particularly bold, but mostly irritated because I was late for a class, I simply shoved him sideways right off his seat. He picked himself up and stood a good distance away from me for the rest of his ride.

[Marina Voz]

This is right up there with the way that random strangers seem to feel they have the right to touch, pat, stroke and otherwise violate the body space of pregnant women. In this instance, I find that women are most likely the perpetrators...why is that okay? I think its the way that a pregnant woman ceases to be a person in the eyes of many men and women in that same way that women aren't full people in the eyes of a lot of men. The scary part is, most people don't even realize what they're doing. They usually don't seem to be doing it on purpose...they just don't get it...and that's the REALLY scary part to me!

[Astarte]

You know, I never said that it wasn't rude, or that anyone /had/ to smile. I simply said that shaking your finger at other women and pointing out how scary the real world is and that she shouldn't ever smile at those evil men is painful to feminism.

I don't think the conversation EVER was 'is it rude for someone to command you to smile'? That's actually pretty obvious, and I didn't see anyone in the entire conversation state that people should smile whether they like it or not.

[Linnaeus]

To me, what's interesting about this discussion is the extent to which these incidents actually happen. I'd never even heard of this kind of commanding of strangers. Really.

[ms. jared]

right on, sista!

i commented on my experience over at alas and got harped on by a few people for not being "polite" enough. but too bad!

it's absolutely a sense of entitlement that men think they have the right to command women to smile and they also feel entitled to call us stuck up bitches when we don't. and you just CAN'T explain this to men. they don't have to go through the daily barrage of unwanted verbal assault and street harassment that women have to put up with. or they think you're being overly sensitive about it.

it's not a matter of sensitivity, it's a matter of common courtesy and many men feel like women don't deserve it. or that we should be flattered by their attention.

we've spent literally HOURS at m.u.f.f. meetings discussing the problem of street harassment and every single woman there raised her hand when we asked if it was offensive (yes) or flattering (no).

anyway, thanks for being such a badass. it's nice to know i'm not alone. hee hee.

xoxo, jared

[molly]

One of the nice things about getting old is leaving the pressure of this line behind: "Why don't you wanna f**K!? What's YOUR problem?" as if the asker had none and getting some was a given exchange for dinner.

[jane]

After reading the back-and-forth dialogue, I was immediately reminded of all the ugly run-ins I have had with men who mistook my smiles for permission to talk to me, or further to that, harass me. This is not some idle paranoia - I was one of those "polite ladies" who smiled at strangers and developed an "I'm okay" facade even when I wasn't. After being harassed, bullied, threatened, and insulted, I stopped the polite bullshit.

Now I am with you 100% when it comes to treating everyone with respect, so long as there's a level of valid interaction. But just to smile randomly, even when I don't feel like it, smacks of that "good girl" mentality that some men take for granted.

Anyone who argues otherwise has had the luxury of never have their personal space invaded, or worse.

[mrs mcmuffin]

I checked out the comments in Hugo S's blog and thought they were all very interesting, but have to agree with you entirely. I never get this command any more, but in my teens/20's there was always an (older) man instructing me to 'smile' or 'smile, it may never happen'.

Being a 'well raised young lady' and not wanting to get into any conflict, I complied. I couldn't explain why I didn't want to when I was younger, but in my late teens I used to get very pissed off and formulated a response:

Smile-'why?'
Smile it may never happen-'it already fucking has'

Now I'm older and insulated by driving practically everywhere, it doesn't happen with any regularity, but I just don't engage with it any more. No response. I don't see why I should reward this behaviour.